A Speckled Trout

On the day of Mark’s death, that awful day in September when I was sitting in a sterile, white room at the police station, two detectives quietly and calmly told me that my husband was dead, that he rode his bike onto the tracks of an oncoming train, and that it appeared to be intentional. It was unbelievable and the most crushing thing I’d ever heard in my life. His bike? Onto train tracks? Are you serious? The guy who would cup moths and beetles in his hand to let go outside, who taught his three kids to do the same, that as toddlers would learn that smashing a bug with their chubby feet wasn’t something you did in our family. That guy rode his bike onto the train tracks on purpose? It not only made absolutely no sense to me, it was so horrific that considering it for even a few seconds made me physically sick.

The immediate aftermath of that conversation that afternoon was calling the kids home and telling them, their faces mirroring mine in shock and anguish, driving to the airport at midnight with my son to pick up our youngest daughter who came off the plane shaking uncontrollably, calling family and friends, and then the planning of Mark’s funeral. All of that kept me from diving too deep into the details of that day, but when family had gone home, friends went back to work, and the house became eerily quiet, that day was all I thought about. Besides going over and over it, I longed to have anything of his that he carried that day. Was all that gone too? No work bag, no keys, no wallet, nothing? Gone like him? Just disappeared from the face of the earth? The friend Mark was supposed to see that afternoon has been instrumental in helping me in thousands of ways. In one of our conversations I talked to him about Mark’s personal belongings, that I desperately needed something of his from that day and he offered to check on it for me.

Three weeks after Mark’s death I was back at the police station after calling to make an appointment with the property department to pick up his things. They told me on the phone that they had his work bag, his wallet, his keys, a bike helmet, and a bike. A bike helmet? A bike? The bike was in the warehouse but they would bring it to the station for me to pick up if I wanted it. Was that some kind of cruel joke? Hey lady, here’s your dead husband’s smashed bike. It’s not worth a damn but we don’t know what to do with it so you can figure it out. I told them I wanted it and decided that if it was in as bad a condition as I imagined it to be, I would find a dumpster on the way home to ditch it because there was no way in hell I was going to let the kids see that.

Three different people offered to go with me to the police department to pick up his things but I declined each one. Each one of them said they insisted, that I absolutely shouldn’t go there by myself, and I said they were probably right. I looked at the calendar on my phone which was empty of everything and told them Wednesday seemed like it would work. Then I picked up the phone, called the police department, and made an appointment for Tuesday morning.

I arrived at the station, checked in, and sat in the same chair in the same waiting area that I’d been in weeks earlier. My eyes never drifted from the door the detective came out of that Tuesday afternoon. I expected at any minute to be called back into that sterile, white room where the tone would be much different this time around and I would be peppered with questions about everything that led up to that day. That I would crack like a suspect on an episode of Law and Order and say the same thing over and over, that they would look at each other knowing they got their accomplice.

I didn’t wake up.
I didn’t wake up.
I didn’t wake up.
It’s my fault.
I didn’t wake up.

Instead, a very cheerful, female police officer came from an elevator behind me and I turned my head towards the sound of Mark’s bike. His favorite bike, the carbon fiber bike that he loved. When he brought it home he called me out to the driveway and said, “Look at this, Kath. You can lift it with two fingers. You know what that means? I’ll tell you what it means. It means the lighter the bike the faster you can go on it.” I marveled at the genius of this and he said I had to pick it up to really appreciate it so I put my hand under the cross bar and he said, “No, no, no. Two fingers. Pick it up that way.” I did and he smiled and said, “See what I mean? Can you even believe that?”

I had to sign some paperwork and the properties police officer disappeared with it for a few minutes. I grabbed my phone and took a picture of his stuff. I don’t know why. I wondered if that made me look guilty or crazy, and that on second thought maybe this wife did need to be interrogated by those detectives. I will never know what made me do that. I think it was because I didn’t actually believe his bike was intact. That it was leaning against a railing with not a scratch on it. The police officer reappeared and offered to help me out with his stuff. She started rolling his bike and I picked up the bag with his things. A white sticker on the front of the brown paper bag said “evidence” and I thought my legs were going to go out from under me.

I opened the tailgate and she wondered if we’d be able to get the bike in there and I said don’t worry I’ve done this a hundred times. It will fit. Mark and I had that down to a science. I put the brown paper bag inside and she lifted the bike and said, “This is the lightest bike I’ve ever seen. Look at this. I can lift it with one hand.” I tell her, “Two fingers. You can lift it with two fingers.” She tried and said oh my gosh you’re right, I think I love this bike.

He did too, I say to her. He’d never have let anything happen to that bike and isn’t that funny? In the last moments of his life I can picture him gently laying that bike down along the grassy side of the train tracks like he did with every harmless bug found inside the house. But I cannot picture that without also picturing that he thought his life should end with the cruel violence of cold steel.

When I got home I sat in the driveway for a long time, just me and the stuff of his ordinary work week in the back of the car. Eventually I decided that sitting there in shock and tears wasn’t making anything better so I opened the garage door and wheeled his bike next to the three others he had. The late summer morning was so quiet except for the ticking of the chain – as if all the birds and the cicadas in the neighborhood stopped for a moment of silence. His riderless bike rolled into the garage, his last words tucked in an envelope inside a brown paper bag.

All evidence that his life was over.

I have and will always deeply love you. You were the light to my darkness…..

As a couple who had been together a long time, Mark and I were pretty much drawn to the same kind of people. If I met someone and liked them, there was a good chance Mark would as well and vice versa. The common denominator for both of us was that they were smart, interesting, they didn’t take themselves seriously, and most importantly, that they were funny. There weren’t many people we didn’t like and if there were we did our best to steer clear of them.

But there were difficult people in our lives that we had to have a relationship with that didn’t bring out the best in either one of us. When I look back at those relationships and the cumulative effect they had on Mark, I second guess myself for not being more protective of him. That’s the kind of stuff that keeps me up at night, the overthinking that sometimes makes me believe that he’ll come back in the door saying he was sorry he was gone so long but now that I cracked the code he was back for good. Up until the weekend prior to his death, Mark seemed to be handling things just fine so either I really dropped the ball or he was good at hiding his hurt. I tend to think it was a bit of both but I’m here, he’s gone, and during those sleepless nights it’s another tally mark in the Things Kath Should Have Done Differently column.

When both of us were holding the history of those hurts and grudges, they usually seemed like nothing more than an annoyance. That isn’t the case these days. As my therapist recently told me, the fallout of Mark’s life and death has landed squarely on my lap. It isn’t just the emotional aspect which is daunting from the minute I wake up, it’s every relationship he had, his career, the entirety of his life. Without him here to help shoulder the weight, the energy of those relationship challenges have nowhere to go but on me.

Depending on the day I am having, my thoughts about that swing from apathy to despair to rage. Not unexpectedly in regards to those connections, it seems that the minimum boxes of support for me and the kids have been checked off or we have been ghosted all together. I’m unsure if that reaction is the by-product of guilt or that they would rather stay as far as possible away from our sadness. On the receiving end, it feels like a lit match to my gasoline fueled heartache. There are moments that I daydream of a reckoning where I lay bare every injustice and call them out for their past and current behavior. It has a Real Housewives kind of flair where glasses are flung and tables upended, and I triumphantly stride out to the cheers and high-fives from every person who loved Mark, followed by a nighttime visit from him saying “atta girl.” It’s dramatic and satisfying and a figment of my grieving imagination.

While that would be a welcome release valve for all that has been building up and piling on, it doesn’t change anything. Mark’s demons had the final say and in that moment he didn’t think redemption was his gift to receive. I daily wonder if death delivered the redemption that I thought he deserved. Was peace of mind the final blessing bestowed on him that Tuesday morning? I’m not sure I could draw another breath if I didn’t believe that he was worthy of both, and that his well-lived life was reason enough for those lasting gifts.

As the days have passed since that I got that phone call at work, the nagging question is what do I do with the pain my dead husband endured at the hands of others? Much as I’d love to deliver my fury and judgement on their doorsteps like death was suddenly delivered on mine, there is only the aching weight of his wounds sitting on my crowded lap.

That and the awareness that the road to redemption is a two way street.

Ever since Mark died, people have been compelled to share their thoughts on the events of that day and what I should do to rebuild the rest of my life. The list could fill pages but below is the highlight reel of the things that have been said to me in the last six months:

Why do you think he killed himself?
You’re not staying in the house, are you?
You have to wait a full year before you make any decisions.
So life insurance for suicide? Does it pay out?
When you start cleaning his stuff out, I’d like to have something of his.
Do you think he smoked some bad pot that morning?
Just stay busy.
You should go to a suicide support group.
You should go to therapy.
You seem like you’re doing fine. I don’t think you need therapy.
Are your kids in therapy? I think they should be.
I saw somebody started a GoFundMe for you. Don’t you have any money?
I know Mark stopped drinking a few years ago. Did he start up again?
You should exercise.
Don’t walk outside now. With all the snow and ice you might fall and the last thing your kids need is to have to take care of you.
Mark Fisher can go fuck himself.
I know you said it was suicide but I think it was an accident.
We thought about going to the funeral but we’d have to cancel our vacation.
You definitely didn’t seem like yourself at the funeral but not in an inappropriate sort of way.
I’m so pissed off at him.
I know you said you don’t know when he left the house but what time do you think he left the house?
Oh, you’re still sad? I thought by now you would be better.
Do you have a financial advisor?
You should interview at least three financial advisors before you pick one.
Don’t invest in the stock market.
You should invest in the stock market.
Just think happy thoughts.
Are you going to go on social security?
You shouldn’t go on social security yet.
That fucking coward.

I have an uncle who has experienced more tragedy in his life than anyone I know. Now in his eighties, his health is compromised in too many ways to list. Decades ago, he and his wife were coming home from seeing a movie and were hit by a drunk driver. She was seven months pregnant with twins. The accident caused her to go into labor, both baby girls were delivered but did not survive. They would have three more children after that and he would sit by the bedside of his 12 year old daughter as she died from a heart ailment. One of his sons would be diagnosed with the same disease and would get a heart transplant. He would die at the age of 19. How my uncle has endured these losses is a boots-on-the-ground kind of miracle and God knows I am paying close attention to those kind of people. After Mark died he called me and as the conversation was ending he said, “Honey, I sure loved the two of you together.”

It was a profoundly beautiful thing to say because that simple sentence recognized what I had and what I lost. What someone like my uncle knows is that the only thing necessary to bring in the midst of someone’s darkest days is light. No advice, no questions, no commentary, no anger. Just a sliver of light, and when you know that person has walked through fire to place it in your hand and curl your fingers around, it you believe them when they tell you that one day you will be okay.

As for the other stuff, you will desperately try to let those things go for the sake of your own mental health and the memory of your husband. A man who on a sunny Tuesday morning in the waning days of summer lost his way, not his love.

.

A few months before Mark died, he twice said to me, “I’m on to something so big it scares me.” By the look on his face I could tell he wasn’t exaggerating. He, of course, meant things in the lab. He had signed a contract with a biotech company to purify their proteins, and a pharmaceutical company had scheduled a phone conference to hopefully do the same. His fear was that this was going to take off and he wouldn’t be able to find a qualified lab tech to replace the one who had recently given his notice to take a position on the west coast. His worry was for naught, within a day he found someone at the med center that was looking for a new position and was a perfect fit.

Besides my own nagging feeling that a future trip with a friend would be missing Mark, I had something else happen that was as powerful to me as Mark’s worry was to him. I was upstairs making our bed, stopped for a minute to look out the window and knew that I would one day be alone in the house. I shuddered at the thought and figured that would be decades in the future, but it unnerved me. Looking back now, it seems that we were both experiencing a shift in our universe that was tilting out of control in ways we couldn’t imagine.

Many times over the years we were married, Mark would tell me that I saved him. I thought he gave me far more credit than I deserved, considering that on any given day I am a mess. While Mark was intense and focused, I am dreamy and rudderless. In my 6th decade of life, I am still unsure what I want to be when I grow up and am prone to the gypsy life when it comes to a job. Mark could never understand why I couldn’t just stay on a job and like it, but I always had to pack up my work tent and move on every few years. It drove him crazy, but I stayed friends with all those people in all those places and he often said that I got an A+ in making our circle bigger. Despite that, I was stable and calming for him. When things at work went off the rails, a grant didn’t make the cut, or he was raging against the administration, I was able to take things down a notch, steady his nerves, and turn his face toward the sun. We were Team Fisher and immensely proud and supportive of each other.

Whenever Mark would say that I saved him, it felt too much for me. He never seemed like he needed saving, but the weekend before he died I got a glimpse of the darkness he rarely showed and we talked about all of it. What time he left the house that morning has haunted me more than anything, and now that day in September has given way to winter and spring will be here shortly. Still I struggle believing any of this really happened. Every night I lay in bed looking at a photo of him from one of the thousands of happy days, and ask him to show up in my dreams. In those shocking, early weeks, I prayed he would let me know that he is okay and that the something so big filled him with wonder and not fear.

Now I ask him to tell me me how I saved him so I can save myself.

Two years ago on my 60th birthday, the kids gathered notes from everyone to put in a scrapbook to celebrate me starting a new decade. Below is what Mark wrote which is exactly what I would say about his eyes, but would add that his were always full of dreams and plans and wonder.

When my eyes met yours for the first time, I could sense a spark of interest that lured me into your life.

Those eyes, I have come to know after all these years, can sometimes instantly reveal your inner thoughts.

Your eyes can be calm.

Your eyes can be joyous.

Your eyes can be intense and focused.

Your eyes can be worried. And angry. They are caring and concerned. And defiant.

They can be surprised, Curious, Mischievous, And filled with laughter. They dance to music.

Recently, they have returned, more often now, to those loving mothering eyes that Mabel will come to know.

Of all the stories that your eyes tell me, they spend the most time being kind and loving. 

As we grow older, our faces may change slowly overtime, but your eyes still draw me to you, though the wisps of those black curls.

Your eyes reveal to me your life, having learned much in the world, looking forward to more.

I am in love with your eyes and the person behind them that makes them glow.

Happy 60th,

Mark

Below is something Mark wrote about his friend from the UK at a symposium in his honor. Like Mark, he died too soon and with much left undone. I met Tony at a meeting in Spain that I went to with Mark about twenty years ago. It was a raucous time with the most fun people I had ever been around. While having lunch outside one afternoon, Mark and I walked up to a table that Tony was at and were chatting with some people. After a few minutes, Tony said, “Fish, can you move your fat ass? You’re blocking the sun.” In the years that followed, Mark and I would repeat that line a thousand times. Tony was a pied piper and Mark a most willing follower. The unabashed laughter of the two of these complex, brilliant, down-to-earth guys could get you into some trouble but the memories would be worth it. So much of what Mark wrote last year about Tony applies to him in so many ways.

I first met Tony at a SF conference. As we crossed paths, he looked at my name tag and immediately launched into our mutual initial work in the chaperonin field. I looked at his name tag and wondered “Who the F**k is Neil Ranson”. It turned out Tony was wearing Neil’s name tag to avoid paying the conference fees. From there, we instantly became great friends because of our mutual “working man/blue collar scientist” demeanors. I was a roofer in a former life and he certainly possessed a working man’s attitude and style. This meant we said F**k a lot, even calmly intertwining that language style into our scientific discussions. He would refer to me henceforth as “The F**king Fish”.  I had spent an adventurous three weeks in Bristol living with Binx, Kate, and Tony to attend numerous conferences on Prions and Chaperone Proteins, just in time for the Mad Cow Scare. It was a stimulating visit to say the least. There was literally never a dull moment. We spent an inordinate amount of time trying to make each other blow tea or beer though our noses with our silly little antics (imitating the pompous) or stories (my past adventures in roofing and his summaries of general science faux pas). On the flip side, Tony had an intensely serious and strong empathetic streak that would often emerge throughout the course of the day. When he would make it to the US colonies, we would sometimes go on long early morning hikes to go bird watching, hardly the habit you would expect from such a boisterous fellow since you had to be quiet for long periods of time. Tony was a keen kineticist and enzymologist who relished in uncovering the allosteric complexity of the chaperonin machine in his most thorough manner. He avoided experimental fishing expeditions, or as he called them…. “Strolling along the chemical shelf”. He was, without a doubt, a brilliant and accomplished scientist. He was an extremely complex man who enjoyed life to its fullest. I will miss my friend. His full-throated unabashed laughter will reverberate in my brain for the rest of my days.

When I met Mark he was a roofer. He had graduated with a degree in biology and had figured out that the next thing he would need is a degree in chemistry. Back in those days, a well-paying job like roofing would cover the cost of tuition, books, and living expenses for a good part of the year, but lord knows it is a hard job. Mark would sling 50# bags of shingles over his shoulder and haul them up a ladder all day long. He would work day after day in the summer heat and on winter weekends in the bitter cold. He fell off roofs and broke bones, he had hot tar slip down his work boots and give him a second degree burn on the top of his foot, he had a gun pulled on him multiple times. You would be hard pressed to find anyone waxing poetic about the life of a roofer, but those roofing days would shape who Mark would be as an adult. The guy hustled, and when he became a college professor and could have taken things down a notch or two, he never did. I used to tell him that the crazy thing about his white collar job was that he could take a day off and get paid for it. He never did and when he died his last check had 720 hours of unused vacation and sick time paid out.

Last year his boss announced that he would be retiring and the med center said that they would promote someone within the department to take over as chair. Mark got along well with his boss, and like anyone working under something that appeared to be running like a well-oiled machine, there was some concern about it being a cohesive transition. As those kinds of work situations go, there were camps assembled and loyalties split over who would be best at the position. After months of things being up in the air, his female coworker got named as department chair. Mark long championed for more women in science, and so having a woman in a leadership position at the med center seemed like a good thing for everybody, but there would be no coined phrase of workplace drama if everyone agreed.

At the end of June there was a retirement dinner for his boss, and as was typical of us we came flying in at the end of happy hour and were the last people to arrive. There was a short program with some gifts for Gerry and well wishes for his more relaxed new lifestyle and an invitation was extended for anyone to share some thoughts or memories. I leaned over to Mark and asked him if he was going to say something. He said he was going to take a pass, but before things wound down he did stand up and say he’d like to say a few things.

I had never seen Mark teach or heard him publicly speak. He was handed off the microphone and started out by saying how much everybody loved Gerry – the staff did, the faculty, the students. “The reason,” Mark said, “is that Gerry checked in on everyone. He made a point to stop you and ask you how things were going, what was new with your research, and how you were. He did what mattered.” He would go on to say, “That is our challenge now as faculty. To uphold Gerry’s legacy, to be sure to take care of one another and the students, to move us all forward, to support each other and to move as one.” For a guy who had no intention of speaking and had not rehearsed anything I was amazed.

When we were dating, Mark would drive me around and show me the places he’d roofed. He would tell me the pitch, the kind of shingles they put on, whether or not they would have to go back years later to figure out a leak and repair it. “You know what I love about roofing,” he would say. “I did that. I can drive by it years from now and it will still be there. I made something.”

He made processes in science that would also stand. A colleague from Israel sent me a note that said if a technique was done in Mark’s lab there was never a question of its integrity in replicating it in his own lab. “If Mark did it,” he wrote, “you knew the science was impeccable.”

That night when Mark spoke to his colleagues it was to remind them that it didn’t matter who their preference was leading up to that night, that there was a new leader on that floor and she deserved the best from each of them, that she deserved fairness and loyalty. That it was important to check in with each other, that even though your life may be burdened it is essential to be aware that you aren’t the only one carrying hurt and disappointment.

Most of Mark’s legacy is on the roofs of homes and businesses in the Chicago metro area and in labs around the world, but the rest is mine to carry. Over dessert and coffee and socializing at a table at a restaurant in Union Station, neither one of us would know that the tsunami of grief that was about to come would flow from every direction, and though never meant for me it is the echo of his words that I return to over and over.

In the last few years, Mark had been doing a lot of traveling. He had bought a piece of equipment for his lab, that if rumors are to be believed, he was passionately in love with. He was so enamored with it that the company asked if he would be a reference for others who might be interested in purchasing it. He enthusiastically said yes, and what started as phone consults with would-be buyers turned into the company paying travel expenses for him to attend biotech conferences and give a talk centered around their product. After one of those meetings, Mark had dinner with the CFO who said that he was one of their best salesmen, racking up over a million dollars worth of sales directly attributed to him. This was a good professional marriage and even the company sales rep would come to his funeral, telling me that Mark hugged her every time she came to pay him a visit. “That was a first for me,” she told me at the back of the church. “Nobody ever hugs their sales rep.”

These meetings were in and out kind of deals. Fly in the night before, give a talk the following day, go out to dinner, and then fly home the next day. Mark always wanted me to go with him, but though my job is part-time and very flexible, it wasn’t so flexible that I could take a few days off every other month to hang out with him.

When Mark would come home and unpack, he’d cheerily announce, “Brought some more soap and shampoo,” and he’d scoop up his tiny bottles and bars from the bed and dump them in the bathroom cabinet. I would let out a deep sigh every time. “Why do you do that,” I’d ask him. “Soap isn’t even expensive.” “Because,” he’d say, “it’s my way of sticking it to The Man.” Mark had been on a decades long quest to stick it to The Man – that elusive, anonymous person who overcharged, underpaid, had his foot on the neck of our bank accounts, salaries, and 401K, the one who was relentlessly on our tail causing us to constantly hustle to stay one step ahead. I didn’t think pilfering tiny soaps and shampoo bottles from a hotel room was really sticking it to anyone but Mark thought differently. For him those dwarf-sized samples were a moral victory.

One day last year we were driving to Lowe’s and I announced that come thigh-high snow or polar vortexes that I would be going to Florida the following February. “Okay,” Mark said eyes straight ahead on the road. After a long silence he said, “So can I go?” “You can,” I said, “but you have to give up a full week of work. You can’t overschedule yourself so that it winds up only being four days. A full week commitment, got it?” He got it and we shook hands on the deal. The deal, of course, went to hell when he died but I did go to Florida last week with my daughter and her family, where two of my siblings have places in Fort Myers. I have traveled without Mark before but that was when I knew he’d be waiting at home when I’d get back. This trip was a different beast. I was doing okay when we got there and the sun and warm temps were wonderful, but when I walked into that hotel room and looked at that perfectly made bed for two, I cried until I finally fell asleep.

Little did I know that coming home five days later to this lifeless house would make that night seem like a cakewalk. At day’s end I went upstairs to unpack my suitcase which didn’t take much time since I hardly wore most of what I brought. When I was finished, I scooped up the tiny shampoo bottle and soaps off the bed and dumped them in the bathroom. Don’t you worry, Mark Fisher, I said to myself. The Man might have claimed you but I’ll be damned if he’s going to get your soap.

You, my dears, have been through hell and back since your dad died, yet here you are managing to show up – for your jobs, for grief therapy that feels like building a new house without any nails, for life that does not stop for the brokenhearted. I know that most days that feels monumental. Because I love you I am going to tell you that you don’t have to do it all. You can say no and you can say it without explanation. You can say thank you but not today. Flashbacks are a beast so you are allowed to watch tv for hours and not pay attention to a word of it. You can forget and be foggy and be mad. You can read the same page over and over in the same book that’s been next to your bed for months and that’s okay, too. You are allowed to give yourself a break, because for you and me, Dad dies every morning.

We have been through trauma, and because of that every single thing we thought we knew for sure has been upended. It is hard, it is unfair, it is shocking, it is our life these days. It makes us question why this happened to someone so passionate and fun and full of life. Because if this is possible with someone like him….

Dad lived all his days with meaning but maybe now isn’t the time for us to figure out our own purpose in life. We have paid our dues in love and loss and have entered the Club of the Fragile. It isn’t for the faint of heart, as you are finding out when your throat tightens and your eyes brim with tears so often. Now you are able to look at others and instantly recognize the ones who know loss. In the unspoken moments, you see that their eyes mirror yours in sadness. But you know what? I can still see that you have managed to stay kind, especially to each other with such love and concern that it stuns me. You have been especially kind to me, in ways that surely make your dad proud. When you were just wee babes, we would talk about that. That our hope was that you would grow up to have a tank full of kindness and empathy. In the thick of this grief that seems harder by the day, maybe that is purpose enough. To wake up and give and receive and call it good.

You know what I have always said when things go south? This too shall pass. So comforting to me so many times, but this won’t pass, kiddos. It will settle into your bones, and years from now when you think you are just fine, it will roar back to life when you least expect it. It can scare the living daylights out of you but you will be okay. We will be okay.

I try to think like Dad a lot these days. I ask myself all the time what he would want for us. So far I have no answer, but I do know that he would probably go outside and take a deep breath of this icy February air and pay attention to the birds. He knew that even when the harsh winds blew them out of their nest time after time, they could still fly. You will too. I promise.

xo

When our kids were younger and would complain about being bored, I would tell them to be grateful for an ordinary day. “It can all change in the blink of an eye,” I would say like some wise, old sage. I even said it when they became adults, but of course I always meant for someone else, not us, not on a Tuesday afternoon, not with such awful news.

This drastic, new change in my life affects me every waking minute of the day. There is nobody to share the coffee, nobody to bitch with about current events, nobody to cook for, no flipping off the light switches that Mark always left on, nobody to chat with on long walks around the neighborhood, no extra clothes to wash, no LaCroix to buy, no jockeying schedules when Mark needed the car, no hearing about how things are going in the lab, the department, or the med center, nobody to pick up from the airport, no flying out the door in the morning and yelling “have a good day” behind me. Except for the constant banging of my thoughts about him and that day, my life got instantly quiet.

Mark and I didn’t talk on the phone very much during our regular work days. Besides having plenty to do at our jobs, we just weren’t good at it. For most things, we texted or emailed each other. Mark had far more responsibilities than I did, and so I always tried to put something attention getting in the subject line to make him laugh and to get him to respond. When things were in flux in his department because of the egos that some in academia have, I put Boom Goes The Dynamite as the subject. He thought that was hilarious and we emailed back and forth about who was losing their shit and why. On that Tuesday, when hours went by and he hadn’t answered my email I knew something was very wrong.

Now I don’t know what an ordinary day is, I’m still trying to figure that out. So far it’s going to work, solving ongoing insurance problems, and thinking of somewhere to go after work so I don’t have to come home too early. And crying, more crying than I thought possible.

A few weeks ago my friend who lost her husband right after Mark died, texted me that she was sitting in the Costco parking lot listening to old voicemails from her husband. Is that crazy? Despite our preferred manner of communicating I have many voicemails from Mark that I have listened to over and over, so if it is then I am also an active, dues paying member in the Crazy Club. It’s not just the sound of Mark’s voice that does me in but the sound of an ordinary day – him calling to say he had to work late, leaving a message with his flight info, asking if I could swing by and pick him up, calling to tell me he wanted to take me out to eat, calling with great news in the lab.

Despite the gut wrenching loss of Mark, I think every day about the wonderful run I had with that guy. There were the usual marriage ups and downs, the making of a life in Illinois, Maryland, and finally Kansas City, three great kids (each one born in a different state), the trip we took together to Spain many years ago and Portugal last year, the week we spent in Montana. The highlights will always stand out as they should, but looking in the rearview mirror it will always be those ordinary days I miss the most.