When I would go to visit my mom, depending on the time of year, we would rotate her favorite TV shows between The Young & The Restless, The Bold & The Beautiful (where she would always make fun of how bad the acting was), lots of local news, Cubs games if it was summer, and QVC. She had a pattern of when she would watch her shows – like recording her soap operas and not watching them until later even if she was home when they were airing.
QVC was always at night. She would flip it on and say, “Oh good, this is one of my favorite hosts,” and we’d watch really long stretches of time devoted to a single sweater. If it was Isaac Mizrahi’s line of clothing if would be very, very dramatic. He fawned over every garment and when a customer would call in he’d ask her name and say, “Lorraine, darling, tell me why you love the spring cardigan, item #42-2084 selling at $38.99?” And Lorraine would gush and say she had two and was going to buy three more and Isaac would say, “Oh my dear, I wish I could see how you are going to style them because you sound very fashionable.”On the other end of the line you could imagine how much Lorraine was blushing and dying to tell her friends that THE ISAAC MIZRAHI talked to her. The host would chime in that they needed to cut things short and then remind viewers that there have been 12,000 of these cardigans sold and they were down to their last 8,000 SO YOU BETTER HURRY and even very skeptical me found myself gulping that QVC kool-aid.
Mom and I were watching one night and the featured item was a combination tote bag, cross body bag, and wallet by none other than Joy Mangano of the Original Miracle Mop. The mop was a miracle for the homemaker because it was self-wringing meaning you never had to put your delicate hands into a bucket of filthy water. Joy became a millionaire many times over off that mop and was a QVC Queen. Her new product was a line of bags for women with built-in technology that thwarted stealing credit card numbers from inside your purse. According to her (and the incredulous host who had never heard of such a thing!), someone could merely walk past you with a credit card reader and steal your info while you’re picking out tomatoes at the grocery store. By the time you realize it they have hit up Wal-Mart with a couple of 55″ tvs that will leave you on the hook. Problematic? You bet it was but if you wanted to be protected you needed the patented, magnetic blocking technology of one of her bags. Like a lot of things on QVC, I thought, well that’s a crock of shit but Mom and I kept watching, my wine glass kept getting refilled, and I found myself saying, “You know, I could use a new bag for work.” Mom perked up and said, “Oh you should definitely get it then. Joy makes good products so I’m sure it will last forever.” But despite the conversion therapy and wine I was having trouble pulling the trigger. Mom offered to pay and I said, “It’s not that,” as I mulled over the idea that maybe this was the start of turning into a Lorraine, a lonely lady with a closet full of cardigans desperately hoping an Isaac notices her. Mom handed me the phone. “Just call them,” she said, “those gals are so nice. I talk to them all the time. And don’t forget you can always do easy pay.”
A few weeks ago was my mom’s birthday and I thought of how I would call her on her big day and she’d say she loved my gift and couldn’t wait to use it, how her phone had been ringing all day, and that my siblings and her friends had her booked all week with plans to celebrate. I was unanchored on the first birthday without her and wished for one more of those phone calls, one more chance to hear the sound of her voice. Now her birthdays are over yonder with Dad having a scotch and soda and a twirl on the dance floor which is the natural, unfair order of things.
As for my purchase that night? I’ve had it for ten years and use it every week for work and whenever I travel. If I ever saw it again on QVC I’d go full-on Lorraine and call in and tell everyone to buy it, that it’s not just a bag but the designated library for a story about too much wine, bandits and card readers and picking tomatoes. That one night I called those nice gals and laid my credit card down without a single regret, that every time I grab it off the hook and walk out the door my mom comes back to life for the briefest of moments., and I can see her smile and hear her say, “You’re gonna love it, Kath.”
